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From Pushover to Powerhouse: My (Messy) Breakup with People-Pleasing

"Chronic people-pleasing is driven by fear, not love." ~ Terri Cole

From Polite to Powerful: Breaking the Midlife People-Pleasing Pattern

One day you’re juggling everyone’s needs like some kind of emotional octopus, and the next, you’re crying in the laundry room wondering, “When did I stop mattering?”

That, my friend, is your wake-up call. Midlife isn’t just about hormones and hot flashes—it’s also when the people-pleasing crap hits the fan.

We’ve spent decades being nice. Accommodating. Agreeable. And guess what? It didn’t earn us peace—it cost us ourselves. The truth bomb? People-pleasing isn’t compassion. It’s self-abandonment with a smile on top.

And if you’re over it? Welcome. You’re in the right place.

Why People-Pleasing Happens (and How It Hijacks Your Self-Worth)

Let’s be real: most of us didn’t wake up one day and decide, “I think I’ll erase my needs to keep everyone else comfortable.”

Nope. We were trained for it:

• Be nice.

• Be quiet.

• Don’t rock the boat.

• And for the love of god, don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

So we became Olympic-level accommodators:

✅ Smiling through gritted teeth.
✅ Saying yes when we meant “hell no.”
✅ Silencing our gut to keep the peace.

But every "yes" to them was a "no" to us. And that silent erosion? It adds up.

The Moment I Knew People-Pleasing Was Burning Me Out

And then one day, bam. You’re soul-tired. You feel invisible in your own life. You’re over it.

You realize this isn’t working anymore. That you’re allowed to exist for more than keeping everyone else afloat.

“The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.”
— Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace

How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

🔥 Step 1: Get Real About What Drains You

If it makes you feel resentful, depleted, or like you want to crawl into a hole—it’s a no.

🔥 Step 2: Say No Without Apologizing

Not everything needs a three-paragraph explanation. Try:
✖️ “That doesn’t work for me.”
✖️ “I’m not available for that.”
✖️ “No, thanks.” (Mic drop.)

🔥 Step 3: Prepare for the Pushback

Some people will not like this new version of you—and that’s their issue to unpack. Not yours.

🔥 Step 4: Build a Boundary-Honoring Crew

Therapists, coaches, real-deal friends—people who cheer you on and respect your limits.

🔥 Step 5: Practice Like a Boss

Setting boundaries is like building a muscle. You’ll wobble at first. That’s okay. Keep flexing.

What to Expect When You Start Saying No

🚧 Rejection?
Let them walk. Anyone who needs you to shrink isn’t your people.

🚧 Guilt?
Guilt is a liar. You’re not being mean—you’re being real.

🚧 Not Taken Seriously?
Keep showing up. Keep holding the line. Consistency is your new superpower.

Some people will push back hard. “You’ve changed.” “You used to be so easygoing.” Yeah, Brenda—I used to be a doormat. Now I’m a woman who values her time. The ones who truly care about you will adjust. The rest were benefiting from your silence.

Not everyone will love the new, boundary-setting you. That’s okay. If someone gets upset because you’re no longer bending over backward for them, that’s their problem, not yours.

Finding Support for Your People-Pleasing Recovery

You don’t have to do this alone—especially if saying “no” makes you break into a stress sweat. Learning to set boundaries (and actually stick to them) can feel terrifying at first. That’s why having support is everything.

Here’s what helped me:

📘 Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries
Need scripts? She’s got ‘em. From work to family to awkward texts, Melissa walks you through real-life boundary-setting with sass and zero shame.

📘 Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace
This one’s a game-changer. She’ll help you understand where your people-pleasing came from and how to unlearn it—without guilt tripping yourself in the process.

🧠 A therapist or coach who gets it
Sometimes you need more than a book—you need a human mirror. Someone who can help you unpack the why behind your yeses and guide you toward healthier patterns. Look for someone who specializes in boundaries, self-worth, or midlife transitions. (Psst… I’m a coach if you're looking for one who’s been through the fire.)

Boundaries don’t make you a b*tch. They make you a whole, self-honoring woman. And the right support? That makes all the difference.

How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Living Authentically

Boundaries aren’t a one-and-done thing. It’s a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.

One thing that helped? Repeating: “I am allowed to disappoint others and still be a good person.”
Try journaling: What am I afraid will happen if I set this boundary? And what will happen if I don’t?

The Real Freedom That Comes from Healthy Boundaries

Here’s what happens when you ditch people-pleasing for good:

✨ You feel lighter
✨ You stop walking on eggshells
✨ You gain confidence
✨ You finally—finally—start living for yourself

Living authentically isn’t about being selfish. It’s about being whole.

And the best part? When you step into your power, you give other women permission to do the same.

Final Word: This Is Your Permission Slip

Breaking free from people-pleasing is hard. But it’s worth it.

Because you—yes, you—deserve a life that feels good.

A life that reflects who you really are.

A life where you don’t just exist for others—you exist for yourself, too.

And that? That changes everything.

Hormonally yours,

Kimberlee Erin

Just a heads-up: I’m a Certified Menopause Coaching Specialist and Holistic Nutritionist, and while I love sharing what’s worked for me and my clients, this blog is for informational purposes only. It’s not a substitute for medical advice. Always check in with your healthcare provider before starting new supplements, hormones, or treatments—especially since every woman’s perimenopause journey is different. You deserve personalized care that truly fits you.

Additional Resources:

• Books:

  • "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown

  • "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab

  • "Boundary Boss" by Terri Cole

  • "The Book of Boundaries" by Melissa Urban

• Quotes:

  • Nedra Glover Tawwab: "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."

  • Terri Cole: "Boundaries aren't about telling someone else what to do; they're about showing others how to honor your needs."

  • Melissa Urban: "You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself."

  • Brené Brown: "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."